So I'm turning 19 today heh...
Excet I'm sick whit a cold which kinda dampens the mood I have a fever and stuff....
Well at least I GOT MY LAPTOP BACK yesterday which is a BIG YAY!!!
I missed my laptop....
Sorry if I soud like a crazy person...I blame the fever....
I've gotten some gifts today...or more like cards whit money inside which is nice you can buy stuff whit money...well I'll se what I'll get from my friends later...They said they'll make me a cake so that'll be nice!
I can't have a dinner whit my realtives like I was supposed to cause me and grandma (she and gradpa are visiting..) is sick and my other gradma can't visit then cause when she get's sick it gets really bad....
I can't have a party whit my friends eighter cause my grandparets are her so we don't have room for my friends from some towns over to come and stay until grandma and grandpa goes back home...
Anyway I'll post more later feeling kinda dizzy now!
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Which isn't that hot for a lot of people...but look we have really cold winters here! So we ar just not that adjust to warmness...
Plus now when widows is open a lot mosquitos get in and they bite and it itches, and it's still a lot of stuff blooming outside that I'm allergic to apparently cause nose itches too...And I can't go aout during the days like at all beacuse I lost my cap and I need something to protect me from the light or else I get the really bad migraines which is just not fun....
Anyway I'm barley up during the days anymore cause mum has the computer during days so I sleep and have the computer during night...I'm trying to turn it around...but she won't let me have the computer during day except when she's working like right now...
Damn greedy WoW nerd she is...and then she complains over me not sleeping at night! HAH!
I know I really should start to be more eh posetive in my blog, but apparently I won't get a psykologist until after summer and I need to bitch somewhere...Look I'm just being whiny today cause I didn't fall asleep until nine am and I woke up just a little while ago cause my room was to warm to sleep in which is really my problem...
And I've barley sleept in three days cause my brother is being noisy during the day and yesterday I had a doctors appointment...Cheeking allergys cause apparently I may have developed astma which sucks...oh and I also asked them to test exactly how allergic I was to peanuts, except they called it testing if I was allergic to peanuts which is ridicilous cause ehhm I AM allergic to peanuts and I know it! Look I even get allerigc when other people eat peanuts in my prescence...
Anyway only sleept a about three hours a night for about three days straight and nothing is fun right now cause sleep lack makes all people whiny...I think look I'll be mor posetive after I get a good nights sleep okay?
Plus living whitout my laptop is driving me insane...
- Mood:
tired
Gee I love my laptop way to much it's almost physically painfull to live whitout it, plus if it has to be re-booted I'll lose all the writing I've got storeed there!!!
That would be awfull...
Why am I'm watching Monk? Cause on that serie is awesome and two we got five seasons of it on dvd, after I'm done whit Monk if my computer hasn't been fixed I'll guess I'll have to go trough or movies....or re watch season 1 of heroes (which I also have on dvd) for like the fifth time or soo....
- Mood:
contemplative
Because then I'd be giving something up, just a little bit but still a very real bit a very real bit of my value in myself. (besides if she was gonna listen to those messages when I expressidly told her not to she should have listen to them all I apologized in the last one so technically I already have apologized...)
The thing is I still don't think people should make promises to me they don't keep, it kinda feels like being cut deply whit a knife and it feels like I'm not worht it not worth anything really, and it sucks...
I know I have issues but the value I maged to put in myself during these last few months isn't much, it's very little and I'm not so sure just giving it up is such a good idea still I know it's not worht losing a friend over it eighter,
So if she dosen't call me eventually I will have to give that picece up. I will have to decide I'm not worth enough to keep a promise to, and if you break a promise I'm not allowed to get mad.
It will kill a bit of me I think, but it's not worth losing a friend over, still I'd whis she called, but I'm sure she puts so much value in herself that, that dosen't feel very likely to happen...
I don't think I'm worth that much to her, I mean then why would she break all thos promises, time and time again...
Brings me back to what turned me in to this, to the little girl who sat waiting outside Bea's house for four hours, while she was off whit another friend even thought she'd promised she'd meet me,
To the me who got a call back from Linnea telling me she felt sick and couldn't hang out whit anyone really after she'd agreed we'd hangout, and later see her out on the street playing whit Mikaela...
The me wo Denise cancelled her plans whit and later went home whit Sara and Caroline...
The me who Evey told she couldn't be seen whit in public since people teased her for hanging out whit me.
The me Bea cancelled on twice to hang out whit someone else...
It makes me felt wothless, and awhile back I had a conversation whit a freind who made me realize why I let these people do that to me.
Because no one else put any value in me (except you know my parents, still my mum still spent most my childhood making me feel bad about who I was but I guess that was part of raising me and she isn't a bad parent really...)
Anyway Back in school when I was little I used to bullied by this girl nmaed Malin, whenever she hit me or said crule things to me no one said a word, they just watched, but whenever I had enough and hit her back everone got mad at me and made me fel guilty about it mabe I struck Malin 10 times for every 100 times she struck me but that didn't matter, because Elin was okay to hit she didn't mean anything but Malin wasn't beacuse she was valuble, no one ever said a thing when Malin hit me not even the teachers I think...but I don't thuink they saw it that ofthen then again...
I know it was just returning a game, but if Fofo really thought I was worth something would she not have runned back whit it anyway our house was unlocked all night beacuse of it?
And would she really have ben so upset whit me for yelling in her anserwing machine? Valubel people are allowed to get angry...I know Malin always did (mostly at me but at the gtrown ups too).
Myabe I'm just messed up and maybe I should apologize, because leaving like seven or so angry messages was a bit over the top but the thing is I did apologize in the last message, and I wasn't even yelling I was crying and if she really did listen to those messages (like I asked her not to since I knew she'd be upset and it had just been something I had to do to not break down completly cause she really did hurt me that much...and I just needed to make her understand since she wouldn't pick up the phone, but after she picked up the phone and I told her, there was no need to listen to them! No need!)
I know another angsty rant I'm sorry it seems to be all I do in this LJ dor the moment but I really need to vent and no one wll listen....
Cause I can't get a tim at a psykologist or whatever even thought I told several people including my Kurator (who promised people woukld have time for me this summer, but apparently the don't) it was urgent and I REALLY need to talk to someone...see if I don't get someone to talk to I crack and fall apart and it's not pretty...
- Mood: sad
I missed LJ so much when I took my break...
And trust me you should be glad about the break part otherwisw it would mostly have been me being depressed about things in lomg rants or me being stressed about things in long rants or me being obsessed about things in long rants...uh yeah how is that diffrent fro usual?
Good I suck....
- Mood: contemplative
Then again she can apparently still watch Tv-series online when she has migraine just noy play much WoW (aka my most hated game ever!)
Also I bought some new The sims 2 extra packs...sadly my best friend borrowed them to install yesterday and promised she'd bring them right back, which she didn't cause apparently I'm so wortless that it's not even wort keeping promises to me...(Okay I know I shouldn't go down that road but my self esteem issues makes me go down that road anyway...)
Also the only reason I let her borrow it was beacuse I specifically asked that she would have it back to me by the time I woke up....
Been up for almost two hours now.... still don't have my game...
I'm kinda pissed, accidentaly woke mum up too so I dunno how much more computer time I can squez in, damn I'm pissed cause she know I almos never gets the computer....
- Mood:
pissed off
and uhmm now that it's summer and I finaly have time my computer is broken...juppp, and I have to share whit my WoW addicted mum who starts arguments about everything everytime I even uses the computer to cheek y mail....
So yeah that's why I haven't been on LJ latley, ad peobabaly won't be able to get back to LJ until my computer is working again...just thought I ought to tell you I hadn't quit LJ or something, just been busy, and now whitout computer.....
- Mood: depressed
Why do I keep feeling like crap all the time aye?
I really do hope i will hear my alarm go of tomorow and make it to school in time....Ignoring the fact that I have pretty bad anxiety issues al day in school just cause I don not want to run in to my ex...Hey the guy almost made me drop out of school last semester (well at least contributed prettty badly, me being depressed over my dads death (yeah I know it's been five years but no I'm still not over it okay? I don't think I'll ever really be over dad's death really,,,)) I just don't want ANYTHING to do whit him what so ever I don't even want to SEE him okay!
At least I have some pretty awsome friends to hang out whit in school and in my dorm (and the other dorms), that's the good point in everything makes me feel soo much better about everything! There all really incredible people really!
Helped me a lot today when I was upset whit this guy in my dorm who keeps messing whit my stuff whitout my premission even thought it's not necssisary for him, that guy is such a pain made two of my friends switch dorms cause they couldn't stand living whit him!
Oh and Fofo is coming visiting for the weekend tomorow, it'll be great seeing her again I miss her a lot!
- Mood: annoyed
I suck! But really I keep not hearing my mr alarm clock and waking up around one pm, you know when my school ends? Two pm so whit showering there is just no chance in hell I'll make it!
Now why can't I hear it?
Okay so maybe I stay up to like one am whit some friends playing ToS and before that Eternal Darkness. But still I should so hear my alarm! I usually do!
Or at least hear thw guy who knocks on my dorm neigbours door to wake her up!
This is frustrating I only have on day left of this week and haven't been to school yet!
- Mood: irritated
How tragic is it that I'm trying to get back on LJ and no one really cares?
No but really...
It's not like I'm that tragic I have plenty of friends that do care about me just I don't have all that many people who cares about my LJ....It would be Viola and Bea who reads it...Fofo says she does to but she never comments.....
Still it makes me feel really sad that no one cares about me trying to get back to my LJ nerding...
Probably just being over emotional cause sick...- Mood: sick
I'm sick now thought...but I promise as soon as I feel a bit better I'm gonna sit down and catch up whit everyones posts and comment away and stuff...Uh yeah my head is just a bit feverish right now....
That's why this post I'll be ridicilously short and boring, promies next one will be a lot longer....
Started watching Supernatural I'm at the begining of season three now then I got a bit caught on reading Supernatural fanfics....
I'm even writing a fanfic mysel...don't ask how that is going but I have lots of ideas and if I get it working it I'll be really loong....I just hope someone would read it but ehh most my friends don't watch supernatural....
- Mood: sick
Jupp me spent all day yesterday puking (if it's spelled like that...trowing up ya know)
I feel like crap even thought I'm tryinng to stop feeling sorry for myself I figured I DESERVE TO right now...
I feel like shit.
I haven't felt inspiered to ANYTHING for a very long time...but ehh now I spent the past two days and nights painting and playing around whit my paint cause I actually felt like I wanted to for the first time in sooooo long....
This is great :-)
Hey yeah I know I'm not very good thats why I mostly do abstract art (I think it's called that) it's not supposed to be anything so I can't disipoint myself too much that way...
Anyway I feel a lot better then I have in a VERY long time! So that is very good...specialy since my blog have been such a angsty place latley and same whit my life now I actually feel exited about things again which is good.
Anyway I hope my new inspired state will help whit the writing too...since I haven't been able to you know write ANYTHING for like at least six months and what I wrote before that well it was pretty much crap anyway...
Been to much of a chiken to try writing thought...but I am going to try tomorow (or well technically today...but you know whit my sleeping habits...)
Gonna start whit rewriteing some stuff in I-form since I clearly can not write in he/she-form cause everything I write in that is CRAP!
So I shall write tomorow...just need to forcefully rip myself away from my new developed watercolour obsession...
- Mood:
creative
I hope you all have a nice new years, or at least a new years better than mine...(whih is very likley my new years eve is crap!!!)
So yeah I mean the fact that my uncle (that is visiting) is sick as in stomach sick (you know the whole puking...deal yeah THAT...) that really isn't anything anyone can do about that...
So yeah I get why we didn't have a dinner but instead had frozen boxed meals...(which is makes me feel really tragic BTW) We didn't eat thoghter eighter, but hey in my family we NEVER eat thoghter...everyone just eat in there rooms...
But well when i was little new years was all magic when you got to stay up late and celebrate and watch fireworks and all that....
Nowdays twelve isn't staying up late exactly (but that's more my fault than anyone elses)...and well I basically have to fight people or nag them to get them to watch fireworks whit me...and no it dosen't help I still end up doing it alone most of the time...(and no I wouldn't have company if I just asked nicley I've tried that first dosen't help at all...)
So yeah it mostly me going out in the cold (whitout proper clothes there still stuck in my dorm) and sweden is VERY cold during winter...all alone watching fire work and trying to force myself to feel exited about it...
This year I failed feeling exited I spent the whole time crying instead...I eventually I went back inside (to many people where passing me buy made me feel uncomftrable plus I was freezing) argued a bit whit mum (she started it) and then I went and wrote this post...
It's just feel like all the magic in the world has died, and there's nothing to celebrate anymore...
New years is just another day out of all the 365 days in the year to spend trying not to think of the fact that my family is almost as broken as me.
And all the magic of childhoood died a long time ago...
- Mood: depressed
Like having a really bad cold sick, troat pain, ear pains, runny nose, runny eyes, headaches...and that whole deal....well you get the picture probably...
And for some reason i haven't been able to acssess msn since like before christmas....
Life is so much fun right now....NOT!
Ugggh the pain.....can't fall asleep eighter hurts to much EVERYWHERE!!!
- Mood: sick
I dunno why this time eighter...
Well of course it is the day before christmas and christmas is one of my official being depressed days I'm always deperessed on christmas but still....
And I have to go hand out peoples presents later today too...
Don't excatly feel up to it...
I don't wanna have to face Fr...(i chase she for some reason reads this and wanna know why she can ask me and I'll tell her and it's a darn good reason too...)
I'm still pissed at her about what I mentioned in my last post....(it's F-locked in chase you can't see it that would be why...).
I feel like crying, crawling up under a blanket and cry myself to sleep....
I whis I had my ps2 around to distract myself whit...
- Mood: depressed
Yeah i'm still alive suprise, suprise....Just been kinda busy latley... I'm visiting a friend and playing lotsa video games...
Currently I'm supposed to go fighting Sephirot at crisis core, except I don't wanna cause ehh I'm scared sorta cause he is soo gonna kick my ass. Viola finds the whole thing very amusing, cause obviously she is rooting for Sephirot.
So well I'm leveling by doing missions instead, I have now reached leveln 38 wonder how high I gotta go until I can beat Sephirot? Exspecially sense I suck at avoiding stuff and apparently that is really important in that fight.
Hey is it just me or does Cloud suffer from multiple personality disorder? Cause he's a totally diffrent person in Crisis Core than he is in KH, those would be the only games whit him in I playe¨d but Viola says he's diffrent in final fantasy 7 too...
I mean in KH he's all angsty, darkness, must kill Sephirot...
And in Crisis Core well he's sort of ah... can't find a good word for it in english right now..but ehh a softy? a scaredy-cat or pansy maybe...he's all nervous all the time and gets motion sickness and hids from Tifa in his mask and seem really insecure
(Uhh yeah for all you Cloud fans out there please don't be offended, seriously I have nothing against him or anything...and well honestly I'm a bigger pansy than him I mean I'm the one who's to afraid to go in there and face Sephiriot...and as for being insecure well I'm sure me and my Hinata tendencys has him beaten by light years it's just observations that's all) which is light years from what he is in KH...
Hmm maybe thinking he is Zack for a long while will do a real number on his personality?
Other reason I don't wanna go fight Sephirot is of corse that this will bring me a LOT closer to the end..and well I don't want Zack to die okay? I really don't ! I love him! He's my computer wallpaper, I stare at him whenever I feel down and he always manages to make me smile...Don't want him to die.....
Well at least I finnaly manged to kick Angeal's ass yesterday! Triumph! Seriously i've been stuck there forever! Actually kicking him in the ass REALLY helped...Like Viola told me....
I dreamt about Christmas shopping tonight woke up and cursed thae fact that I still hadn't done it...I don't hvae much time for it left eighter.. but ehh I hate christmas shopping...I love giving people gifts thought....
I have psykologi meeting today...which is why I haven't gone to Viola yet...depending on what works for her I'll probly go there wendsday or thursday...
Spent all of yesterday watching Bones episodes. Oh how I love that tv-series. It's mine and my mum's favorit (I do love Heroes to of course but Heroes can just be so ehh wacky at times)
( Bones, rant will include spoilers... )
Like seriously i need to get a hold of somone soon I woke up at like six am and been lonley ever since and I just really, REALLY need to talk whit somone but no ones avalibel everyones like sleepin, except mum but I don't feel like watching her play wow cause ehh that's booring!
Seriously if Fofo dosen't wake up and call me soon or Viola or Bea or someone loggs in on msn soon I swear I'll wake my little bro up or I'll go over to grandma's!
Seriously my social meter is painfully low I cannot think about anything esle this is scary!
- Mood: lonely
Well at least I had Viola to chatt whit on msn otherwise I would probably have cried like last thime Fofo promised to hang out whit me but instead went of too some other friends house (yeah I know she probably just forgot that time I mean Fofo does wanna hang out whit me! Really!)
Oh god I need to stop this now before this becomes the most patetich LJ post in all my history of patetich LJ posts!
I'm not patetich really!
Anyway Viola and I Itachi and Kisame plotted to take over the world and the internet yeasterday :-) And we lol'ed at the fact that she has a Zabusa friend and I have a Haku friend(Bea) (You know according to the Naruto bad guys personality types things I talked about in my blogg earlier).
I also have a Orochimaru/Sasuke personality type friend (Fofo she got in between) and we concluded she had the personality type of Orochimaru's and Sasuke's unholy exsprimental child or something like that...
- Mood:
awake
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