The great confusion of Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

The last world conference of 2009 was held in Berlin, Germany. Which had really upset Lovino, since he did not want to go visit the “potato bastard” again. Personally, Antonio didn't particularly mind. Germany was a bit cold this time of year, but other than that he had no problems with the location.

Besides, Berlin had great bars, all of them which Gilbert knew the exact location of, and Antonio really felt like getting drunk.

Really, really drunk.

He wasn't by nature that prone to drinking away his troubles. He usually just tried to not think about them too much, or talk it trough with someone. Preferably Francis. Francis always gave great advice.

But this wasn't something he could just ask him about and it would be okay. Actually, Francis might say it was okay, but his morals had always been, well, a tad off.

Instead he just wanted to drink until he forgot all about it.

Of course, as he and Gilbert approached their fifth bar for the evening (Francis hadn't been able to tag along because he had decided he had to keep an eye on Arthur. Or something like that. Antonio hadn't really been paying attention) he discovered that getting drunk didn't have the desired effect of making him think less about it. Instead it had made him think about it twice as much.

So while Gilbert was groaning on about something -what exactly, Antonio wasn't sure. Probably how awesome he was, or something along those lines. Gilbert always got twice as boastful when he was drinking- Antonio couldn't stop thinking about Lovino.

Or more precisely; that kiss he and Lovino had shared last month. Not that it had been their first kiss or anything. But before that he had always been able to pass it off as a drunken mistake or a weird accident. Or both. And while he'd sometimes had some difficulties to stop thinking about it before, he had always succeeded eventually.

But...well, this time they had gotten a lot farther then usually. When he had realized what they were doing and pushed Lovino away Lovino had, instead of blushing cutely, yelling and running in to his room, slamming the door like he usually did... Well, actually Lovino had done some of that -more precisely, the blushing and yelling- but instead of yelling while running into his room he had looked Antonio right in the eyes, and Antonio had realized he most definitely was in love with Lovino. Which had resulted in him panicking and running into his room. Which of course had made Lovino twice as angry as he was before. But that was beside the point.

The point was that Antonio was in love with Lovino, a kid he'd practically raised and taken care of since he was little.

And that was wrong.

Of course Lovino wasn't a kid anymore, but that didn't mean it wasn't wrong! It was most definitely immoral, and even if both of his best friends might disagree with him about it if he brought it up that didn't say much in his defense. Antonio's two best friends had always had very lose moral codes.

And Antonio wasn't them, he was the one with morals, who knew right from wrong. Doing the kind of things he wanted to do with someone he practically raised was very, very wrong.

When they entered the seventh bar for the evening they spotted Francis at a table together with Arthur and Alfred. Arthur looked about twice as drunk as Antonio, half sprawled across a table, angrily mumbling stuff, while both Francis and Alfred looked fairly sober.

Alfred had a half-full drink in front of him (it was a weird fruity looking drink that confused Antonio. It wasn't the type of thing he thought Alfred would drink. He always figured he was more of a beer type of guy) and Francis was sipping at a glass of, probably very expensive, red wine.

Antonio and Arthur had never been close, but he did know from the very few times he'd been drinking with Arthur (usually because Francis had dragged the both of them somewhere) that all Arthur talked about while drunk was the American war of independence. And Antonio really didn't think it was a good idea to head over there, since he had also been involved in it and he didn't want to upset Arthur more than he already was. Besides, Antonio was feeling shitty enough as it was and didn't particularly feel like being yelled at by someone he barely knew. Except for on very, very hostile terms.

Now, to be fair in the few times he had seen Arthur drunk Arthur had never yelled at him once, seemingly being to busy yelling at Francis and Alfred and various long since dead soldiers in either of their armies.

But still, he figured it might be a bad idea. Of course Antonio never had much choice in the matter, as Gilbert had gotten really excited upon spotting Francis and proceeded to drag Antonio over to their table, pushing Antonio down in a empty chair next to Francis before he even really had time to process anything, much less get away.

Francis greeted him enthusiastically with air kisses on both sides of his cheeks. Alfred offered him a smile and a nod from across the table. He'd never been close with Alfred either, but they had always gotten along fairly well. Unlike him and Arthur. Arthur, who seemed to be too busy mumbling about someone named Lafayette to the table to actually notice he had showed up. During all this Gilbert ran of to retrieve a fifth chair to place at the table.

Gilbert got back a little while later with a chair and two beers, one of which he placed in front of Antonio. Now, beers had never been Antonio's favorite beverage, but Gilbert never really gave him much of a choice in what he would be drinking. The only reason Francis always got his wine was because he absolutely refused to drink anything else. Antonio never really cared enough about what he was drinking to argue about it.

Antonio hesitantly sipped at his beer, still feeling awful. Gilbert, Francis and Alfred started to talk about something. About what Antonio wasn't sure. They all seemed to completely ignore Arthur's angry muttering and cursing. Antonio figured either Francis and Alfred had grown tired of being insulted, or just tired of listening to Arthur's mutterings all together. He couldn't say he payed too much attention to it either, since he was to busy wallowing in his guilt trip of misery to pay attention to someone else's issues.

Because it was clearly wrong. You couldn't be in love with someone who you used to tell bedtime stories to, comfort after nightmares, change the sheets after bedwettings and tuck in at night.

That was just wrong. Wrong and sick. Really, really sick. He was supposed to be the good guy in his group of friends, the one with acceptable morals.

The one who, while not flawless, still always was the decent guy, while his two best friends constantly inhabited a very dark gray moral area.

And now he was almost worse then them, because despite their flaws he was fairly certain neither Gilbert nor Francis ever had inappropriate sexual dreams about a kid they had watched grow up.

And if it wasn't bad enough that Antonio was in love with the kid, he had also spent the last five nights waking up from what was definitely highly inappropriate dreams.

”Antonio! Earth to Antonio! Are you listening?” Gilbert exclaimed, waving his hand in front of Antonio's face.

Antonio had the chance to snap out of his thoughts and look at Gilbert confusedly for about three seconds before Francis grabbed his shoulders and spun him around to look at him.

”What's wrong? You haven't said anything since you got here. And don't say nothing is wrong, because I know you well enough to know something is. So now tell Francis all about it, so I can make it better.”

And Antonio knew he shouldn't. He really shouldn't, but this had been eating him up for a while now. He really needed to get it off his chest and Francis usually, in addition to giving good advice, was a fairly good listener.

”Well, Lovino and I- It's wrong! I know it's wrong. It's really, really wrong and sick and...wrong! I mean you're not supposed to have feelings for someone you raised-”

At this point he had to pause to take a breath and chug down some more beer. Strangely, he noticed that Arthur had half looked up from his rant at the table. He was listening, almost nodding in agreement, and as he continued ranting he noticed Arthur nodding more and more. He made agreeing noises, like ”Hear ye, hear ye,” and ”I hear you.” Which was strange, since Arthur very rarely agreed with him at all. Of course he never really put in any effort to disagree with him either, seemingly to busy most of the time with loudly disagreeing with either Francis or Alfred, but he mostly seemed indifferent to whatever Antonio said.

Besides, what reason did Arthur even have to care about his problems with Lovino? Maybe he was just drunkenly and randomly agreeing with everything he heard. Arthur definitely seemed drunk enough to not make sense.

Antonio vaguely remembered that, once when he was really drunk, he had agreed with Gilbert about getting a tattoo at a very stupid place. It had made no sense to him the moment he sobered up. Of course then it was to late.

Gilbert was looking somewhat amused by this whole thing, and Francis had his normal good listener face on. But as his ranting went on he also noticed that Alfred was glaring at him. Which, frankly, was even weirder than Arthur agreeing with him. Eventually he just figured Alfred was trying to disagree with him in order to not agree with Arthur, or something like that. It would kind of make sense for them he guessed.

“And it's really sick to, you know, think about someone you used to tuck into bed at night, who's a whole lot younger than you, and I mean someone you took care of as a kid. It's just wrong. Really, really wrong.”

”I Agree! I agree completely!” Arthur exclaimed at that point, wobbling when getting out of his chair while waving his fist in the air.

”You do, do you? Alfred asked Arthur then in a very low, dangerous tone.

Arthur wobbled around unsteadily to look at him.

”Oh?” he said, confused. ”You're here.”

”Yes, I am,” Alfred agreed.

”Oh shit,” Arthur cursed.

Alfred seemed to ignore him and turned to Antonio.

”And you!” he exclaimed, getting up from his chair.”Just because your love life is messed up what right do you have to tell other people their love life is wrong? For your information; just because someone is younger doesn't mean they don't know what they're doing. And as long as you're both consenting there's nothing wrong with it! Nothing wrong!” He was almost shouting, before he turned around and stormed out of the bar.

”Alfred, wait!” Arthur called after him, but he didn't turn around.

”Fuck,” Arthur muttered after the door fell close again behind Alfred. He dropped down in his chair again.

”Fuck, fuck, fuck!” he continued and started to bang his head against the table.

”Oh Arthur,” Francis said, getting out of his chair and going around the table to pat him on his back.

”Arthur, Arthur, Arthur. You really screwed that up, didn't you?”

Arthur turned around and glared at him.

”I don't get it!” Antonio exclaimed, because frankly he had no idea what was going on. Why had Alfred gotten upset and ran off? Why had that made Arthur so devastated? Since usually Arthur seemed to go out of his way to piss off Alfred. It all just made no sense to him.

”Wait, what?” Gilbert asked ”You don't get it? You really don't get it, do you?”

Antonio shook his head.

”Oh you poor oblivious little idiot,” He reached out and messed up Antonio's hair a little. ”No wonder it took you so long to get anywhere with Lovino. I mean Francis and I thought you hooked up years ago, and you just wouldn't tell us about it.” He shook his head sadly ”Antonio...”

So ehh Fofo got me hooked on hetalia....

She always get me hooked on things..I swear she's evil somwhere deep inside or something...He naah just kidding Hetalia is fun so I don't mind :-)

Anyway we talked whit some really nice and cool people at wapanees night (I did attempt to make a post about wapaneese night but decided not to I took way to long! And it ended up pretty retareded looking as I over used the word ran waaaaaaaay to much).
Anyway they where trying to gather thoghter a group of hetalia cosplayers.
Fofo decided I should play Liet which is nice he's cute, and she'll play eighter Belrus or Hungary....

So Fofo thinks I'll be a cute Liet hehe.
We have a Russia who can scare Liet too so that'll be fun exspecially since I meet Russia and she's nice so I won't actually have to freak out so much just little Liet, and if Fofo is Belarus she'll like have to physically harm Liet to, if she's Hungary she'll be nice to me thought...
We don't have Poland which is a bit sad, since Liet and Poland is really fun thoghter...I dont eally know anyone who i could nag to be Poland I don't really ve any blond friends except Fofo...wait a minute I have Bea...hmmm okay she's not really in to manga and stuff but's she's gonna visit in a bit and...yes..heh

Uhmm you guys think I could convert Bea to a Hetalia fan and have her be Poland?
She lives in Kramfors thought...but I think they said most of the people they had didn't live here eighter right....?

It broke me, it really did.
See I don't cry even thought I wanted to for the whole duration of the last two episodes or more...
I just get in to a kinda depressed state for several days which I just can't get rid of, or push away,
I hat ewhen shows or books or fanfics or video games does this to me!
I spent like an hour pacing back and forth and I can barley stop, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to go about falling asleep...
I still wanna cry...
I won't thought whenever I start to cry I have troubles stopping (I have waaaaaaaay to many damt up emotions I just haven't dealt whit I've avoided crying since I was 13)

Okay so to the people on my f-list or not on my f-list reading my blog (who I don't quite understand since I angst way to much to be funny)
Please help me I know I seem over dramatic about this right now and sure I'll be fine in a few days but meanwhile, could you do me a HUGE favor? Pretty please? Yeah I know I got this bad feeling pretty much no one actually reads my posts, but here's hoping some people do...

Fic recomendations please!
I need something to occupy myself whit while I get over being traumatized by a tv-show once again... (last time it was Heroes...still haven't watched the last season beacuse I'm not sure I can take it whitout haveing a few new mini breakdowns...haven't cheeked any spoilers but I've just got a bad feeling)
 

So please recommend me a fanfic  or more than one any fanfic (preferably of a fandom I know something about) , preferably a long but as long as there is a happy non traumatizing ending I'm okay whit anything!
I really like if anyone could recommend me a good Torchwood fic, but any other fandom is fine too...(Like Kingdom Hearts, Naruto, Heroes or what ever else you follow I don't even have to know the fandom, thouht it's usually easier that way I have read a few fics from fandoms I know pretty much nothing about...)....Oh and I prefer Slash fics/ Yaoi fics (yaoi and lash is the same thing except Yaoi is the japanese word), but I can and do read Het to on occasion...


So just please recommend me a fic to read!

And yeah I know I'm probably overreacting just beacuse a serie ened badly it's a bit over the top to get so depressed about it but this is probably one of the most traumatizin things I watched....and uhm I ALWAYS get way to in to things Okay? I'm a pretty empatic person and I always try to imagen what the characters are feeling and I think that there somwhere is one of the reasons it gets to me soo much...

I'l probably make another post later about Torchwood season three behind a lj cut for spoiler protection ranting, might help, but right now I need to get back to attempting to fall asleep...

I suck! But really I keep not hearing my mr alarm clock and waking up around one pm, you know when my school ends? Two pm so whit showering there is just no chance in hell I'll make it!

Now why can't I hear it?

Okay so maybe I stay up to like one am whit some friends playing ToS and before that Eternal Darkness. But still I should so hear my alarm! I usually do!

Or at least hear thw guy who knocks on my dorm neigbours door to wake her up!

This is frustrating I only have on day left of this week and haven't been to school yet!

How tragic is it that I'm trying to get back on LJ and no one really cares?

No but really...

It's not like I'm that tragic I have plenty of friends that do care about me just I don't have all that many people who cares about my LJ....It would be Viola and Bea who reads it...Fofo says she does to but she never comments.....

Still it makes me feel really sad that no one cares about me trying to get back to my LJ nerding...

I haven't felt inspiered to ANYTHING for a very long time...but ehh now I spent the past two days and nights painting and playing around whit my paint cause I actually felt like I wanted to for the first time in sooooo long....

This is great :-)

Hey yeah I know I'm not very good thats why I mostly do abstract art (I think it's called that) it's not supposed to be anything so I can't disipoint myself too much that way...

Anyway I feel a lot better then I have in a VERY long time! So that is very good...specialy since my blog have been such a angsty place latley and same whit my life now I actually feel exited about things again which is good.

Anyway I hope my new inspired state will help whit the writing too...since I haven't been able to you know write ANYTHING for like at least six months and what I wrote before that well it was pretty much crap anyway...

Been to much of a chiken to try writing thought...but I am going to try tomorow (or well technically today...but you know whit my sleeping habits...)

Gonna start whit rewriteing some stuff in I-form since I clearly can not write in he/she-form cause everything I write in that is CRAP!

So I shall write tomorow...just need to forcefully rip myself away from my new developed watercolour obsession...