Still depressed big news there, no one really belives me thought...cause I seam happy acting isn't all that hard you know...
The lamp in my room broke so now Ihave to fumble around in complete darkness..great.
I will avoid the library for awhile, I went there yesterday, and brought two full bags of books home...
Then I proceeded to read fanfiction all night anyway...I'm insane I think why I'm a soo obsessed whit reading?
Feel like crying again, dunno why... need to go for a walk whit Fofo now apparently...
After I you know been able to locate any clothes in this darkness...it's dobtfull, I'll find much which is why I was planning on hanging around my room until mum got home and helped me fix this...
- Mood:
drained
And when I finnaly got of the buss at 23:30 he got of to and my mum wasn't there yet and the buss station was closeing and I had to head out and he was staring at me and it was really scary, so I headed for SUBWAY (you know wherew they sell sandwiches) that still was open and stood outside of there waiting for mum since I did not wanna be anywhere near the scary dude staring at me...Nuhu noo way!!
And guess what mum does when she finnaly gets there?
Yeah! She yells at me! Yells at me! For not standing next to the buss station where I was supposed too, (she didn't seem to care much about the scary man) for keeping her up so late (which is slightly more understanding, nut dear god no one should scream so much when driving it's a traffic hazard) and for being so irresponsible whit school, and aa few other things she just pulled out of nowhere, she yells way to much I'll tell ya that...
I really which she wouldn't yell so much, exspecially not when I am terrified of the scary man that was staring at me and man was he creepy...
- Location:HOME
- Mood:
annoyed
No matter what I do I just feel like crying all the time...this is bad....
- Mood: depressed
But ehmm now I am even more after whit homework, taking a sick week was soo a bad idea but you know you can't really help it when you get fever and stuff.
Soo today I have soo much homework to do! I have like 96 sums to do in maths by the end of this week this is sick! Two papers and one exam due in swedish and a test in ecology! Thankfully I currently hve no homework in English becasue my teacher learned I was good in English so I didn't have to do the extra stuff there...Oh yeah and in three weeks time I have to read a book ad reviwe it! Not that I mind reading...I'm just a bit after in my ehh fanfic reading at the time and I cannot excatly reviwe fanfiction...I don't think my teacher would approve besaides i really don't feel like telling her to much about what I read on the net...
And besides all this I really wan't to have time to spend whit my friends and my boyfriend (I got a boyfriend about two weeks ago :-) He's like the nices't sweetest guy ever and he has a nice sense of humor too, I really like him!). Well at least one of my friends promised me to do homework whit me when I go home over the weekend...
- Mood:
busy
I'm moving to my new school in like a little less than three weeks or so and, I haven't bought my new (smaller) tv or my new lap top. Not to mention we need to call the school to see when we can come whit the stuff and so and I cannot find the envelope whit the numbers...
Oh and I also wanna buy a nintendo DS before I move or a playsation portble haven't decided which one yet I want both...problem is when I cheeked my money stash last time I discovered 800kr (swedish money people! 10 kr (kronor) is about the same as 1 euro I think) was gone I think it's stolen, maybe by my brother or one of his friends...I hate when my belongings or money are stolen and it makes me even more stressed, mum is getting me a bank card so I don't have to keep my money on my room anymore...
Also my house is stormed both by uncle (that means really limited computer usage people, cause if you're looking for a huge WoW nerd that's it not to mention he has no computer at home, as if fighting whit mum over thecomputer wasn't bad enough...) and one of my friends (She's great and stuff, fun to talk to, just a bit nosy she seems really intrested in the things I do on the computer, and I just dunno how to explain about fanfic's and Yaoi and stuff to her...once when I did to another friend she looked at me like I was insane so I've avoided talking about it ever since...)
I also really wanna go visit one of my friends that lives like an hour way before school starts, I've been planning to do that all summer things just ket getting in the way. But I'm looking forward to go visiting her.
Things just feels a bit hectic right now, but at leat I'm not bored, not at all, being bored sucks so that's good!
Oh and I also wanna write! Did I mention I wanna write?
Is it just me or does it feel like I'm getting a bit obbsessed whit cramming as many tags as possible in everey post?
- Mood: stressed
So today after mum stayed up to like 2am playing wow...did I mention she has work tomorow did I? She works at a day nursey (that's how my swedish to english online translaor translated it) so yeah good idea being tired and taking care of kids...
I mostly annoyed cause I had to saty up and you know wait until she finished before I could take care of the stuff I need to take care of... I am soo tired right now!!!
- Mood: tired
And then we bought ice cream to, one little box of exspensive ben & jerrys ice crem ( I bought cookie dough flavore and mum bought brownie flavore)
Today I went for a long walk in the rain and got soaking wet all the way in to my skin...I'm still freezing
This is great!
They didn't mention anything about the school dorm room and stuff thought...they might send that later though? After I replied that I'm still intrested?
- Mood:
excited
Oh and I cheeked my ffnet page I got 1 reviwe I am soooo sooo happy I can't stop smiling.
I got one reviwe :-) somebody reviwed my story this is soo great!
I still cannot figure out how to use the LJ cut thought...anyone wanna help explain? Pretty please?
- Mood: happy
....cheeked the mail three times, the third time it was there, but sadly no mail about if I got in or not in the school I applied to or not...this is driving me insane they said I'd get an anserw by midsommer, midsommer is tomorow and it's a red day (no mail)
....Went shoe shopping whit mum because we couldn't find my sandals anywhere so we had to by new ones.
....Knocked down a curtain getting the curtain pole in my head (ouch)
....Finished writing the first chapter in a fanfic (Yay) I haven't been abel to post it here cause I can not get the LJ cut thing to work, it just won't...(anyone wanna explain it to me thanks? it would be really helpfull.) anyway it's posted on my ffnet
....Runned in my stone hard flip flops (man does my feet hurt, that's one of the reasons I needed sandals cause I won't wear gym shoes during summer, and other than that I just have my winter boots (no way in hell my feets would burn up, I rather wear my gym shoes) and really uncomftrabel shoes that it hurts to wear to long, and I love taking long walks I do it all the time. (heh my mum's best friend envies me she whish she would need to take like an hour+ long walks every day, it's really healthy I guess)
....Played a lot of pointless online games
.....Chatted whit a friend on msn (she sent me some cool music!)
- Mood: productive
I am officialy becoming messed up-ish freaky.
Something must be done.
(Plus mum keeps on yelling at me about it, which is quiet annoying)
I am such a mess I swear.
This can't be healthy, something must be done.
- Mood:
awake
I Have come to the conclusion that my life, as it is currently is quite tragic....
It revolevs around four things, Reading (mostly fanfiction), writing (also a lot of fanfiction) playing videogames/computer games and hanging out whit friends...
The last alternetive is definatley the one who sounds the least patetic...but her the issue lies thats what I do the least...
It's not really like I have much of a choice in that matter since most of my friends is eighter drowning in school work or they live really far away...
Except this one who is doing social insolation or something...well the point is she don't han out whit us and you have to make a pretty large effort to convince her to do much of anything whit us...
And then summer will come...and now people are thinking but then your friends will be out of school and can hang out whit you?
No, no they can't! They are going to work far, far away....like where one of my other friends live far away...that's about like three hours buss and they will be working there the whole summer so no I won't be seeing much of them.
So now if I get in to that school (I will find out around midsommer they said) then who will celabrate whit me huh?
Hmm maybe I can celibrate whit grandma?
Whaaat! I like my grandma she's cool and she has the cutest dog.
At least some of my friends that live far away will come visiting, and this one friend who dosn't live near but not as far away as the others (about an hours buss trip) will be free most of the summer so I can go visit her and won't have to be lonley all the time...
And mum is considering sending me up to visit my grandparents...I don't know how up to tah i feel thought I love them and all but my grandpa can be quite annoying, he really ants me to be his little girl again, basically he whish I could be like I was when I was eight, and he keeps telling me and other people about it...sorry grandpa but that aint happening I'm turning eighteen there's no way I can be like I was when I was eight okay? I barley remeber what kind of person I was back then....
Well I figure ther will be alot of computer and videgames and fanfics and stuff this summer....
- Mood:
contemplative
There's something wrong whit me seriously....something wrong whit me I mean normal people dosen't get stuck in stupid spirals of self hatred every damn time they cry? Now do they?
Gahh and I am so afraid, so terrified that people will realise what a bad person I am and start hating me, cause I don't know what I'd do whitout my friends.
I know I'm not really a bad person, well at least most of the times I do, I'm kind and caring and I'm funny and smart, little kids and pets always like me and people say they are good judges of caracter...
And then I'm worried about what I'll do if I don't get in to the school I applied to cause I acn't keep on living whit my mum and brother, I swear if there is two people in the world who can make me hate myself more than I already do it is them, and somedays they are working darn hard at it!
Then I feel selfish about moving away cause then who is gonna go over to grandma for tea, my brother and cousins sertainly don't do that.
And what if my friends need me or something?
But under it all I have to keep a smile up and be happy and cheerfull cause if I'm not why would people wanna hang out whit me at all?
- Mood: thoughtful
got my hair cut today!!! Love it it's really cool :-)
Gonna try to photograph it and post a picture later I think...
Mum's going away for the weekend, she and her best friend is going to a concert, so uncel came down from Kiruna to watch us.
Since sadly my uncle (who is really funny and cool most of the time) loves World Of Warcraft as much as mum does, and he dosen't have internet at home I am unsure of how much computer accsess I will have thought.
Replaying Final Fantasy X right now I'm at the crusader operation Mi'hem right now.
- Mood: contemplative
Mum says she's gonna hogg the computer all day tomorow whitout sharing...
Then she yelled at me over a lot of diffrent stuff...
I have things I need to cheek online browser games...how the hell am I gonna protect my vampier and my small citys Huh??
Also what am I gonna do, there's no way I'm gonna be abel to play videogames all day, I'm depressed right now okay I need to do something all he time or I'll break.
I don't feel like spending the whole day crying and stuff, I need to repress stuff Okay? and for that I need to do thing all the time or I'll lose it, and I'll start crying or thinking oof stuff or whatever....
God she's such a greedy WoW nerd dosen't she understand I need to at least cheek my online games??
I really don't kno what to do tomorow...I'm crying right now and uhmm I just feel like crap okay??
Why do I have to have a freaking mum who just love arguments and conflicts when I hate them adn they mak me so misrabel....
Oh and I whish that she would listen to me, just once okay just once is that so much to ask for??
Dad used to listen to me, god I miss him so much right now and I really whish I had someone to talk to.
- Mood: sad
Oh and that I miss dad, a lot.
I'm just pointing it out as the reson why I haven't replyed to anything or commented anywhere (in case anyone actually cares) or....(and generally been avoiding LJ), not that I have all that much stuff to reply to to begin whit...
Basically comunnicating whit people on the internet is hard for me and my insecurity/self-hatred issues, and everytime I do I have small anxiety attacks about me annoying or offending or in anyway bothering people (that's why I apologize so much sometimes) so when I'm depressed I tend to take breaks from it, seriusly I haven't even talked whit people on msn latley...
I'll get back to internet communicating whit people as soon as I feel better, hopefully that'll be soon.
If anyone feel like commenting on this post don't let this stop you, comments and responses and such always cheer me up even when I don't reply immidiatley.
If I sound a bit strange it's because I think I think and speak diffrently when I'm depressed tehn what I usually do...
I also tend to develop game or book addictions...Currently replaying Shadow hearts: Convenat, and also playing some The Sims 2, it's to avoid thiking about the stuff that makes me sad, yeah I tend to repress stuff, I know it's unhealty to do that but I don't think it hurts anyone but me anyway.
Anyaway on to the reson for this post!!!!!
I can't belive that little brat, spitting toothpaste in my make-up bag!!!
Asshole!!!
Seriously???
Do I have the most screwed up in the head litle brother or what??
He's 15 for crying out loud!!!
And he spit toothpaste in my make-up bag!!!!!!
Ahh just needed to get that of my chest...I'm pretty pissed and I really can't yell or anything alredy woke mum up once...
- Mood: pissed off
After that all I can do is wait really, and well hope for the best.
Future here I come (or something like that)
- Mood: relieved
I am so screwed, so completlyand utterly screwed!
I am doomed, seriously this is alll going to...Gaahh!
To clarify my school application needs to be in on monday, as in this monday!
And for some reason, unknown to man I need to write a bloody personal letter whit the application...
Yeah that has been going very well for me it's not just the fact THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO WRITE in in it. No, also my brother who is the if possibel most noisy person in the world, or at least this city, he usually spends his afternoon in his room shouting obsenities at his videogames or hockey matches or friends in the phone or whatever, basically there is no chance in hell I'll be abel to to finish it considering, my brother has no school for the rest of the week.
Oh how I hate my life right now!
Oh and have I ever mentioned I can not handel stress!
- Location:Home!
- Mood: stressed
- Music:Thankfully no.
She's my age (actually a few months younger than me) so I guess I feel a bit weird about it. She'll still be 17 when the baby is born in september
I really hope she'll be okay thought, I care about her alot, and I worry about her.
She's an amazing person really, and she's been trough a lot in her life. She never really got a chance to be a kid because of her mom, she ended up growing up a lot faster then most people do, and I'm sure in away she was a lot older when she was eleven then I am now...if you understand what I mean.
I think she can do it thought, she's been looking after her younger siblings quite a lot, and she is a very strong person so I belive she will be okay!
I don't see her very ofthen nowdays cause she lives quite far away from me, and she hasn't been abel to come visit latley, I miss her.
I meet her for the first time in school when we where like 6 but she moved to another school after about six months and I never really got to know her back then, she came back to my class when I was about 8 but we didn't really become friends until I was like 10 still she is the second oldest friend I still keep in touch whit, most my friends I got to know when I moved here when I was 13.
When I was younger before we moved she used to stay whit us almost everyother weekend, and during summer break she stayed for weeks at a time.
She was the only reall friend I had in my class back in eh (swedish school system isn't very know, so ehh we'll just call it grade 4-6 ages are if youtr bitrthday is during summer, mine is 10-12).
I was quite heavily bullied back then, so I suppose the rest of my class looked down on me.
She always listened to my complains about my school life (trust me it wasn't exactly pleasant, as I was teased and beaten quite alot) she always talked whit me and listened to me,
She was at our place when I learened that my dad had died, and after that she was there for me.
She cleand my room this summer (she really deserve applause for that it was a disaster area)
Even thought I haven't seen her for almost a year, since Agust to be exact, and I don't know how long it will take until the next time I see her, she will always remain one of my most important friends, no matter what.
Ehh I hope this thing wasn't to weird...
- Mood: contemplative
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